Who I am.
Yesterday was my one year anniversary of being baptized. One year ago I was really sick, I stopped breathing, then by the grace of God I was healed when baptized.
I spent this memorable day doing. well. nothing. As I went through the day I decided to question God. Such questions as: "Why did you save me? Was it worth it? Am I worth it?" You see, in my reflections of this year I felt pain, dissapointment, anger, and shame. I had a huge expectancy for this year. I thought because God had saved me in such a huge way it was because of this big, magnificant purpose. But when I looked back I saw this:
1. Divorce (my parents)
2. Cheating (my parents)
3. broken friendships
4. heart ache
5. false hope (RA program, staff, Kenya TL)
6. Hospitals (multiple visits) seizures and as a result no more outdoors activities (running), or hanging out late with friends, or doing fun things. was i sick because of "lack of faith?" or "unforgiveness?" "past sins?" (direct quotes)
7. confusion about my future, self-doubt, lack of self-confidence, major... MAJOR crisis of faith
8. lonliness in a community setting....(it is possible)
9. Prayer. People would pray for me, I wouldn't be healed, and I would leave embaressed, feeling that everytime I had a seizure, or "submitted to the spirit of sickness" (yes a direct quote), that I was sinning.
10. graduating late, failing courses....arrr....microcomputing
11. switching churches...arrr.....pain in my heart.
12. switching friends....arr...pain in my heart.
I felt that all God had told me, all God had given me, I had screwed up. I had dissapointed him, this caused shame and a whole lot of pain. I would spend hours crying, crying for hope. I stopped dreaming of a good future, for fear that there was nothing good in mine. I became bitter and would fight God, and would disobey with a prideful attitude because I was hurt, I was angry, I did not feel safe. I just wanted to feel safe.
~Journal Entry:
Rain always makes me feel safe. On the day of my baptism, in Uganda, it rained ONLY in the backyard where I was standing. Every month on the 10th (I was counting up to the one year celebration haha time on my hands...) it would rain. On my one year...suprise suprise...it rained. It's God's way of telling me that I am safe, that He is faithful and good.
Anyways...
That brought me to yesterday where I asked God if it was worth it. Was saving me worth it? I felt I had screwed up his plans, and perhaps he was done with me. and that this year was punishment. God answered me with a fierceness in his voice, I imagine it to be the way He spoke to Job when Job questioned the character of God (Job 38-41):
"Sarah, I did not save you so you could accomplish great things, or because of your giftings, or your leadership skills, I saved you because I am your Father and you are my daughter, and that is what Father's do, they protect their children."
I had been saved for a "great magnificant purpose:" to know Him. I just had the definition wrong.
I had been ashamed to be so vulnerable, I felt naked, I could find nothing to cover me, no where to hide where He would not seek me out. I believe that is what God wanted me to learn. That nothing could cause Him to stop loving me, to stop pursuing my heart. My nakedness, my vulnerability, my dark secrets, my points of shame and sin did not turn Him away but only gave him the opportunity to reveal to me the depths of His unconditional, powerful, fighting-for-my-heart, never-finds-me-a-lost-cause, mysterious Love. (Psalm 42:7-8)
The question: Who am I? My calling? My purpose? My gifts? My accomplishments? My failures? My weaknesses? My sickness? labels put on by man?
The answer: His daughter.
My response: Hope, I reflect on the year with reverance, thankfulness and submission, knowing that I am here today only because of the faithfulness of my Father, not by my own strength. I don't understand my year, and I NEVER want to repeat it. But when I reflect on what I learned about the character of God, those are things I never regret learning, I am thankful. and I love, and feel loved. (thank you to all my friends who walked me through, I am forever thankful for the unconditional love you gave) He has replaced my old dreams with new ones and given me hope. (yay America! yay the World! yay Grad. School! yay Colorado! yay teaching!...) But I encourage all those who look back on their year with pain,suffering, and regret. Know that God's faithfulness is what has guided you this far. Continue to hope, continue to dream, continue to take risks, continue to Love an uncommon reckless sort of Love, continue to seek to know Him, obey despite your lack of understanding in His plans, wait on Him, Rest in His arms, He truly is a place of refuge, Trust that He is faithful, take time in silence to Listen to His heart.
All is summed up in the ropes motto "For the glory of God, and so others may live." I pray that my past year may be used to glorify God, is being used for the glorify God, and that I will forever acknowledge His greatness, His mystery, and His goodness. His character is true to His word, i will trust in Him despite what I see around me. No matter what the cost I am bound to Him in Love. and I will follow Him wherever He leads.
I.
AM.
HIS.